I hate life. this isnt really a question i just need to vent.?

i dont know if im depressed but lately i just really feel like i cant stand all of lifes pressure and i just wish i wasnt here, i am not going to kill myself, though sometimes i wish i had the guts to because i really do not enjoy my life, im just doing what my family wants and what i wish i could want but im not happy. im almost 17 and i have no one to talk to about my problems the only person who i ever told what i really thought is too busy on drugs to even talk to me anymore im not popular (but i have enough friends and i go out with people when i feel like it which isnt a lot because i dont like to be near people) and im definitely not pretty and it makes me feel like crap i have sisters both with boyfriends and both very pretty and im not jealous but i just wish i could be happy like them. i went through a very short, you can call it "emo" phase where i cut when i was 15 but i stopped because of that druggy friend i mentioned earlier but just now i decided to do it not cause im emo but because theres something about the feeling of the scar that calms me down and it worries me that i like it. i cant get professional help because this isnt something i can talk to my parents about (they dont understand and wouldnt believe me or pay for help and my dad doesnt allow me to get a job) and i cant talk to my friends because it would make things awkward and i dont want anyone to think less of me. i dont know what to do with my life all i know is i need help that i cant get.